Not Stagnant

Today I received a phone call from a good friend of mine from high school. She told me that she is with child. That is incredible news and I'm very happy for her.

In May I became an uncle when my sister Megan gave birth to a little boy. Again, I'm very happy for them and I like being an uncle.

In August I attended the wedding of two step siblings two weeks apart from one another. I usually don't use the word "step" to describe family members but I didn't want it to seem like either A) my siblings married one another or B) my family is really disorganized and accidentally two weddings so close to one another. I realize this is paranoid but I rather be safe than sorry, especially for the first reason.

Anyway, back to the point.

All this has made me step back and reflect on my own life and ask what I'm doing with it all.

Before I go on I want to refer to my disclaimer from my last post. I'm not lamenting nor am I complaining. I am simply reflecting.

I'm not comparing myself to my sibling and my friends because I'm clearly living a different story than them. I'm not feeling jealousy because I'm very happy for them. Watching people around me go through major changes in there life is a little strange because I feel like my life is more or less the same than it was three years ago.

Of course, that isn't completely true. My life is pretty different than it was three years ago. I know that I have changed and have not stayed stagnant. Especially when I consider the actual definition of the word stagnant.

Stagnant:

1. not flowing or running, as water, air, etc.

2. stale or foul from standing, as a pool of water.

3. characterized by lack of development, advancement, or progressive movement: a stagnant economy.

4. inactive, sluggish, or dull.

Still, when all the massive changes are happening to people around me it tends to hold a mirror up to my life. It's not so much a question of "what am I doing?" as much as it is about "where am I going?"

Am I being intentional about the life that I'm living? Am I taking chances? Am I willing to take calculated risk? Am I ready to really pursue a career? Am I willing to take approach a lady and tell her how I feel about her regardless of how she feels about me?

These are the questions that I am asking myself right now and without sounding to serious the answer to them all are yes.

I have finally learned that without taking risks, experiencing failure, and following desires I will become stagnant. It's all very Joseph Campbell but it rings true to my ears.

Twists and Turns

I feel like this blog entry needs to come with a disclaimer. I really find it cathartic to write down what I'm thinking or feeling. Being somebody who has a...well, let's just call it a need to perform (or I'm an emotional exhibitionist) putting it out there for people to read is just an added bonus.

Alright, I was mentioning something about a disclaimer. I'm not writing this entry or any other to neither lament or solicit sympathy. I'm simply narrating my life for the sake of the before mentioned reasons.

It's been a weird summer. It has not been a bad summer. It has not been a good summer. The twists and turns of this summer were not expected, which you know is why they were twists and turns. On Memorial Day when I stood at the open of this summer I thought nearly every aspect of it would play out a little differently.

The short story is that it didn't and while I would have preferred my expectations to have been met, what am I going to do? When things didn't work out for me in the past I played the part of victim. It was not helpful. I would adopt a "why me" attitude and sit around feeling sorry for myself.

I'm not sure when things changed. I wish that I could pinpoint what exactly God used to shake me from this immature way of doing things. I know that it wasn't Conan's farewell address, but it is the reason why I was so taken back by it. When he told his audience that, "nobody in life gets exactly what they want but if you work hard and are kind amazing things will happen," I got a little teary eyed. He's right, crying about it is not going to do anything about it.

I cannot miss an opportunity for a Simpsons reference right now. In one episode Bart loses his dog and starts to cry. Homer's response to his son is awesome,

"Well, crying isn't gonna bring him back, unless your tears smell like dog food. So you can either sit there crying and eating can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food to make your dog come back -- or you can go out there and find your dog."

While I can't pinpoint when my way of thinking changed it has certainly changed. Don't get me wrong I do not like disappointment and if I had it my way I would avoid it all together. Sometimes I can do that and other times I can't help but meet it head on.

So, no I haven't been the biggest fan of the summer. There were some huge disappointments and I made one fairly large mistake. The fact of the matter is that crying about it is not going to do anything about it. Picking myself up and dusting myself off is me doing something about it.

Life is full of disappointments and negative turns. But, here is the thing. In most stories the main character hits a negative turn at the end of Act II. This happens to build drama before Act III, when the character achieves his resolution. This is when character is revealed and lessons are learned. If I'm living a story, and I tend to view life through such a lenses, then I'm learning some lessons and how I handle disappoint will reveal my character.

I do not want my character to be whiny like one of those Twilight people.

For that reason I can leave this summer feeling pretty alright about things.

The Twenties

I have gone on record stating that I am not a fan of the twenties. Actually, I don’t think I have ever gone on record. There isn’t a document with my signature sitting in a bank vault that definitively states that I am not a fan of the twenties. Let this here blog entry state for the record that I am not a fan of the twenties. I have friends who are just loving the twenties. They are excited by all the twists, turns, transitions, and freedoms that come with these restless years between childhood and adulthood. Adulthood…get ready for a tangent.

Tangent Begins
I don’t know when this adulthood is supposed to start. I mean, I already might be in it and nobody let me know. I know that I have responsibilities like my job, my bills, and I have to pay my insurance. I can’t jump off porches anymore because my bones are too old. But, do I feel like an adult? Very rarely. Well, I don’t feel like my perception of an “adult.” But, you know what? Neither do the people around me. I don’t see any adults around me. Certainly that fight I had with my ex-girlfriend was not one between two “adults.” Of course, I would say she wasn’t the adult and she would say that it was me who was acting like the child. Regardless, I think that proves my point.
Tangent Ends

Alright, I should get back to that topic at hand. Though, I think my tangent might play into it. Yes, the twenties provide you with an incredible amount of freedom. The twenties provide you with opportunities for incredible self-growth and reflection. Also, there seems like there is a major transition about every six months, so you learn how to roll with the punches. You adapt and learn the rules as you go.

These are great lessons and I have appreciated them. Heck, you know…I have been excited about them too. I’m a completely different person than I was at 21. Shoot, I’m a completely different person than I was when I was 25 or even 26. I have gained an incredible insight in the last 8 years.

It’s been a hero’s journey and it has been pretty incredible. But here is the thing; a hero’s journey comes at a cost. Everything comes at a cost. In Star Wars, Luke Skywalker had to leave his home planet and lose his family to start his journey. In the incredible Y: The Last Man, the main character Yorick had to be the only survivor of a plague that killed every living thing with a Y chromosome. In order for these characters to go on a journey they had to give up the stability of their former lives to discover themselves. Essentially, you give up stability.

For most people childhood is spent with the same core people in your family and the friends that you see every school year from kindergarten to senior year. Of course, there are exceptions but this is pretty much how it all goes down. Then suddenly, you leave these people and there are new people coming in and out of your life all the time. You might fall in love with a person and get a bit of that stability only to have them leave when things don’t work out.

If you are lucky you have an incredible community of friends to support you and challenge you. I certainly have had such a community. But, at the end of the day when you put your head down on the pillow you are alone.

I’m not lamenting this situation. I recognize it for being a part of the life process. In many ways I appreciate it and maybe even come close to celebrating it. It can just get a little exhausting from time to time. Clearly, I’m in one of those “from time to time.”

I’m just not a fan of it.

I have a couple of friends who got married in their early twenties and we often compare notes. I often tell them that they are fortunate that they partnered up with somebody early on. They tell me that both ways have their advantages and disadvantages. I believe them, as I no longer think that one day I will reach this place where there challenges cease and obstacles are obsolete. Which is to say that I don't believe that all my struggles will cease if I join them in filing joint income taxes club. But, they have somebody in this whole life thing with them. Not, sitting on the sidelines rooting them on, but right there in the game with them.

Back when Adam was working in the garden working for a living God saw that he was alone and that it was not good. I can imagine how Adam felt. He would have good days and have nobody to celebrate with when he got home. He didn’t have anybody to come home to at the end of the day to have a conversation with.

So, I guess what I’m saying is that I associate the word solitary with the twenties. I’m learning a lot about myself and certainly enjoying a great deal of freedom. But, it’s a solitary journey. I accept it and want to focus on doing it as well as I possibly can do it. I don’t want to rush through it or take it for granted. But, I’m not a fan.

Cultivate

When I was in my earlier twenties the idea of a career seemed foreign to me. I understood the concept I just didn’t understand how I was suppose to adapt it to my life. A great deal of the people that were around my age seemed to let the preparation of an upcoming career governed there every decision. Everything was about preparing for a career.

The problem was that despite exploratory notions of being a teacher I knew that what I wanted to do was be a storyteller, whether it be in film, TV, or novel form. (whether it be long, short, or graphic). Essentially, I wanted to become a full time dreamer. To be honest there were times that it could be more than a little discouraging. Still, I believe that the quest is noble in it’s own little way. Storytelling is important, see my LOST entry for the reason why.

Trying to be a professional artist is not easy. It is basically like telling somebody that you want to be a spaceman when you grow up. Nobody doubts your sincerity but they encourage you to get your teaching degree.

Then I began to get this idea in my head that instead of thinking about a “career” I should seek to cultivate and subdue. This was put into my head by a pastor that I really dig named Matt Chandler. His advice made sense to me and it sort of put into words what I was feeling for a little while.

Now, here is what I learned.

We are supposed to cultivate during our time on Earth. We are suppose to set goals based on desires and work really hard to achieve them. We are supposed to sweat and work and pray that the land provides a crop. I believe this is the lesson that God spent a great deal of time trying to teach me.

Now, this doesn’t mean that I think every time I put my hand to the plow it is destined to work out. There will often be seasons of famine in which I will get frustrated and angry. But, the point is to keep trying to cultivate.

Maybe, if somebody told me to cultivate a career all those years ago it would have made sense.

In the last six months I have a few conversations about this very topic with a friend who happens to be a lovely and dedicated dancer. She has a passion for dancing and performing and she refuses to compromise. It is what she is trying to cultivate and she continues to work no matter how much she sweats from her brow and how many thorns the ground produces. I walked away from those conversations feeling very inspired, to say the least.

After those conversation I became serious about finally getting out another screenplay. I started to write some sketches. I accepted an opportunity to shoot some footage of the family of a friend, as well as the continued work on Hank Frisco. Most of these things are just about sowing seeds at this point, but hey the journey of a thousand steps begins with one. By the way, I'm sure that I butchered that proverb.

It’s about cultivating and working hard at what you want to do. Sure, you might have to pay your bills doing jobs that you don’t want to do. Still, I rather pour myself in trying to cultivate something than get comfortable doing anything.

I have grown up in a generation that expects everything to be handed to them on a silver platter. We seem to think that hard work is a thing of the past. When we don’t get what we want right away we tend to give up. Or maybe that is just me.

I also spent a great deal of my life being afraid to make a mistake or even fail. That is the topic of another post for another time.

For now I’m focusing on trying to cultivate.

Posting

I blame the return to this blog on Donald Miller. I have been reading one of his books again and it got me thinking about how much I like writing down my thoughts. Now, a sensible person might put them down in a journal but I am not a sensible person.

No, as the title of this blog suggest I want to climb up on a soap box in the public square and rattle off my thoughts.

Still, I wanted a focus. I still believe that most of my thoughts need to be confined to 140 characters, which seems appropriate length for most of my thoughts. Speaking of which you can read those 140 character thoughts at my twitter site

Then I got to thinking about my friend Kate's blog. Kate is a mother of two and the wife of one. She writes about her experiences at her blog. Through this particular blog I got some insight on what it is like to be in her situation.

I have these thoughts and experiences and I started to think that maybe people would be entertained by them. Maybe I would write about something that somebody might relate too. Maybe something that I write on here would be foundation for a really cool conversation the next time I get to sit down with them.

Or maybe it will just entertain me.

Either way I'm committing to updating this thing about once a week and you are invited to read up on it.

I'm going to write about what it is like to

-Be a dude
-Be a Christian
-Be a dude in his twenties
-Be a dude who is unmarried
-Be a dude who wants to make movies
-Be a dude who makes mistakes often and tries to learn from them

So there is my focus.